Not In A Million Years
by HarlequinRaven
Summary: Twenty pairings that we all knew would never happen in the books. Here's the reason why. — Pairings so far; Edward/Jacob, Emmett/Charlie, Tanya/Jacob, Rosalie/Edward, Aro/Jessica, Bella/Jasper.
1. Edward & Jacob

_Not In A Million Years_

_A/N: I honestly have no idea where this came from. My crackfic muse must have been drinking LSD again. Well, here it is. Dare I say it? Le gasp. Edward/Jacob crack. Honestly not to be taken seriously. I can't believe I'm doing this... -evil laugh-_

* * *

_Edward & Jacob_

Bella was out. She was packing up all her stuff from Charlie's house, ready to move in to her sparkly, shiny, marble, vampiric boyfriend's house. To get married to him. Also to become a vampire. We all know the details. Anyway, the important thing was that she was not at the Cullens'. And nor was anyone else. They had gone hunting to give Bella and Edward some alone time. Which was practically laughable really, since they couldn't exactly 'get it on' or anything.

And Edward was pining, of course, because we all know that Edward cannot live one tenth of a second without his squishy, fragile, clumsy, anti-feminist human girlfriend, and he gets all suicidal if he even contemplates the idea that they could be parted again, like that thing that happened that one time… well, we all know the details.

Edward sighed, glancing at the clock that hung above the grand piano in the corner of the room. Bella had said she would be back at two o'clock. It was now precisely two minutes past two. She was _late._

Edward growled, and his mind whirled with possibilities. Could it be that maybe Bella had tripped and fallen on her face while packing, and that she had to be rushed straight to the emergency room and was dying, or that she met Jacob and professed her undying love for him and they had run off into the sunset? Mike could have waylaid her on her way here and was harassing her with sexual innuendos… _Oh, good Lord! _Edward gasped. _Which I use only as a figure of speech. I'm an evil monster and I'll be sent to hell because I'm so full of angst and there is no God, anyway._

But—Bella! Edward stood up, his t-shirt billowing against his muscular body from the sudden breeze that roused itself in the Cullen living room—even though there were no windows or doors open and of course vampires don't need air conditioning and—

"Shut up!" Edward cried, in his sexy, bass, vampiric tones. "I have to go and save Bella from some sort of unknown, possibly imaginary danger!"

As soon as Edward was about to muster up his super, _super _vampire speed and dash after her, he heard the loud chugging of a truck, rolling with a soft crunch over the stones of the driveway and coming to a stiff halt.

Edward's posture relaxed and he heaved a sigh of relief. She was okay. Bella was here, Bella was—

A man.

Edward gritted his teeth as he recognised the heavy footsteps trekking the driveway towards the front door. _Jacob Black._

Edward put his angry face on and made his way to the door that Jacob was approaching with each passing second. _Why that little—coming to my very house and trying to steal Bella from under my very nose! How very dare he!_

~oOo~

Jacob was resigned. He had tried his advances on Bella, but _somehow_ she had managed to resist his wolfy charms. He had kissed her—and she hadn't liked it! Jacob was stunned. He couldn't image a world where someone he fancied didn't fancy him back. He stared into the mirror, preening his hair with special werewolf hair gel. Okay, I'm kidding about the hair gel. It was really for dogs. But I need to give Jacob _some _dignity, don't I? Oh, wait, no… I don't.

So, Jacob was getting ready. He had decided that enough was enough and he needed to give it one last push. One last try to win the girl of a vampire's dreams back from said vampire. He put on his hottest shirt, open at the collar to reveal a nice triangle of tanned skin, and got into his truck. As he approached, his special wolf senses told him Bella wasn't there—but her vampire chum was.

Jacob saw red. Literally. He looked at the steering wheel, which happened to be covered with red leather. But anyway, he got a little angry, and decided to have it out with Edward Cullen once and for all. Jacob's train of thought was that if he beat up the love of her life, Bella would fall helplessly into his open and waiting arms. Of course.

He approached the door, and suddenly it was thrown open by an infuriated and dishevelled Edward Cullen.

Jacob recoiled as the sun hit Edward, throwing rainbows off his sculpted form. He sparkled like sequins, and suddenly, Jacob felt a warming in his chest, the likes of which he had never felt before.

Jacob Black imprinted on the sunbeam-illuminated Edward Cullen.

~oOo~

It took Edward a few micro-seconds to figure out that Jacob had never seen him in the sun before, and rolled his eyes as Jacob's softened. He looked on with horror, as he saw a look cross Jacob's face. A look he had only ever seen when Jacob was looking at Bella.

Jacob Black was looking at him with love in his eyes.

_Wow, he's so beautif--. _Edward stopped that dangerous train of thought as he looked at the handsome being before him. He felt like he had never really _seen _Jacob before. He had _looked_ at him, yes, but he had never really seen him. Edward thought fondly of Jacob's lopsided grin, the way his hair fell across his face when he cocked it to the side, the way his brown eyes sparkled when he laughed, and suddenly, Edward Cullen fell in love all over again.

Jacob recognised the look in Edward's eyes—obviously, since they're soulmates now, don't cha know?—and jumped for joy. Really. He hopped a foot in the air, and when he landed, Edward had caught him in his arms. Jacob loved the feel of the cool marble on his heated skin, and lust flared up in him, covering all sense of canon and decency. He wrapped his arms around Edward and kissed him passionately. He remembered having teased Bella that she was kissing a rock, but now that he was experiencing it for himself, he found that it was a completely different experience.

Edward responded enthusiastically, even as fangirls booed from the sideline and chanted Bella's name over and over again.

Edward looked over at the fangirls, who halted in their chanting as every one was dazzled by the power of Edward's eyes as he passionately declared, "Screw canon!" and swept inside the house, carrying Jacob, bridal-style, in his arms.

The fangirls fainted.

~oOo~

A few minutes later, Bella returned. She entered the Cullen house, finding it suspiciously empty.

"Edward!" she called, going up the stairs. Naively, Bella thought it would be okay for her to just barge into Edward's bedroom, and so she did. What she found shocked her, and amused me.

Edward and Jacob were in a rather compromising position, and their clothes had mysteriously disappeared.

Bella screamed, running down the stairs, her face the colour of her truck.

Edward chased after her, pulling on his trousers—otherwise the fangirls might die of shock and pleasure—and yelled, "Wait, Bella! Let me explain!"

Bella whirled around to face a half-naked Edward and nearly fainted herself. "What is there to explain, Edward? I saw you!"

"I'm in love with Jacob!" Edward declared, holding his hand against his forehead and turning away. "I suppose I've been denying it for a while now. I'm sorry."

Tears ran down Bella's face as Jacob appeared, and Edward clasped his hand firmly in his own.

Bella turned in her anguish, and came face-to-face with Mike Newton.

The moment she saw his face, Bella knew she had been wrong all along. Mike really was the right guy for her.

"Hey, Bella, I've got just enough money to get you a Happy Meal. Wanna come to McDonald's with me?"

"Do I!" Bella exclaimed, looping arms with her future husband as they skipped off into the woods, forgetting two things. Firstly, there was no McDonald's in Forks. And secondly, it was bear season.

Oh, dear.

* * *

_Haha, I feel happy now. Lol._

_Please review, I'd like to know what you think, even if you are stunned into silence by the weirdness._

_Raven. x_


	2. Emmett & Charlie

_Not In A Million Years_

_This was the most random pairing I could think of. Basically, our favourite, innuendo-filled, lusty, life-lovin' vampire saves Charlie from a murderous __ursus arctos. That's a grizzly to you and me. Although both this one and the last one were yaoi/slash (male/male), there will be het (male/female) and possibly femslash (obvious…? Female/female) pairings too. It all depends on the crack factor. :)_

* * *

_Emmett & Charlie_

Emmett was running—crumpling trees with his huge, boulder-like frame. By 'boulder-like', of course, I don't mean he is spherical in appearance, I meant that he is hard. Not like _that. Not yet, anyway_. But gosh, you people really do have filthy minds, don't you?

Anyway, Emmett wasn't running around for no reason. He was hunting; as hungry vampires tend to do… when they get peckish.

So, Emmett was hurtling through the woods at an impossible pace—but obviously not faster than Edward, since Edward is the speediest of the speeders and—yes, anyway, so he was running, okay?

Towards some unsuspecting, unfortunate animals who were about to become vampire snacks.

Emmett was single-mindedly focused on his task, his throat burning and itching with the desire to feel that sanguine, saccharine substance dripping down his throat from the neck of a poor, gullible gazelle—forsaking all other thoughts and emotions for the minute as his feet pounded against the dirt, no force in the world able to stop him as he made his way towards—

Suddenly Emmett stopped.

_Excuse me, what?! I explicitly said that 'nothing' would stop Emmett and—_The author's infuriated mind-voice was silenced as covert, uniformed fangirls quietly crept out from among the bushes and smothered the author's protests by dangling a shiny Jasper-shaped badge in front of her, leading her away from the scene.

Emmett had stopped because he had heard a distinctly manly yell from not one mile away. A yell he… sort of, kind of… wait, yes, _yes_… he definitely almost recognised it. Bella's father was in trouble!

Emmett frowned, ripping open his shirt to reveal a Superman costume. Come on, don't tell me you've _never_ thought about it.

He dashed through the trees, determined to find Charlie as the yells increased in both volume and urgency. The—_bird? Plane?_—super-vamp that was Emmett Cullen dashed around trees, leaping over boulders, flying up hills—well, okay, not even Emmett can fly. But sooner or later, hopefully for Charlie's sake sooner, Emmett reached the source of the fright-imbued yells.

Charlie was crumpled in a corner against the rock-face of the cliffs that scaled the forest. A large grizzly bear was growling menacingly at him, advancing towards him with a bearish swagger and a grin that said; _You're my bitch now, dude. _

Emmett scowled at that. Charlie was most certainly _not_ that bear's bitch. Not if Superma—sorry, _Emmett_, had anything to do with it. Emmett leapt high into the air, drawing the bear's attention onto him. The bear showed Emmett his sharp canines, designed to cut meat to little pieces. Emmett retaliated by jumping down from the tree he had inadvertently landed on in slow-motion, flexing his muscles and tossing his dark curls suspiciously like a L'Oreal advert.

As Emmett's fall continued in slow motion, quiet, manic whispers could be heard from the bushes, in which hid a gaggle of giggly fangirls who whispered huskily, "Because he's _definitely _worth it."

Emmett grinned, showing his perfect, ivory teeth, before plunging them into the thick hide of the grizzly, staining them crimson with the thick animal blood. Emmett raised his fist as the bear tried to struggle against him, and delivered one, swift punch to the bear's head, knocking it unconscious. Emmett drained the animal until all its life was relinquished to him and dropped it limply to the ground.

He turned, seeing Charlie's crumpled form staring up at him with bleary eyes that were about to fall into unconsciousness, but were still instilled with shock, and Emmett realised he had just drained a huge bear of its blood right in front of him.

"Oh, shi—"

That was the last thing Charlie heard before he crossed the black threshold into temporary nothingness.

~oOo~

Emmett swooped down, picking up Charlie's body in his arms, bridal-style, with no effort whatsoever. Charlie's blank face was pressed close into Emmett's chest as he held the wounded man to him, gently caressing the back of his head around the head-wound that had knocked him out. Emmett ran, back down the trail, heading towards the hospital. He had almost reached the edge of the woods, when Charlie's head moved and he moaned in pain.

"Shh, shh…" Emmett found himself comforting the younger—though Charlie didn't know that—man, quelling his moaning as Charlie murmured contently and snuggled into Emmett's defined chest.

Emmett smiled softly. The fangirls interrupted the natural silence by quietly squealing, "Aw…!"

Emmett turned his gaze sharply over to the cluster of trees where the teenage girls were hidden and said, "Guys! Shut up, he's sleeping."

They all muttered, "Sorry," and proceeded to shut their traps. Emmett grinned as he looked back down and saw Charlie's eyes looking up at him suspiciously. He took a step back, and Charlie got to his feet. Emmett reached out a hand to steady him as he swayed dangerously to the side.

"We should get you to a hospital, Mr. Swan."

"Call me Charlie," he muttered gruffly.

"Charlie, then," Emmett said, taking far too much time saying Charlie's name. Charlie looked up at him with something like awe in his eyes. "You… you fought that bear. I saw it fall… you saved me."

"Yeah," Emmett said, shrugging. "It was nothing."

"You saved my life," Charlie said. Emmett smiled, recalling his own rescue from a grizzly. He was hit with a strand of sudden nervousness as he remembered how that had turned out.

Emmett didn't know how it happened. One minute he was casually looking over Charlie's face and head, assessing the damage, and the next his lips were on Charlie's warm, dry ones, melding together into one being, while the fangirls giggled manically.

Charlie looked up and finally saw the big, hunky piece of Superman-slash-vampire that was Emmett Cullen.

"Well," Charlie said, after the movie-star kiss they shared, "If there was ever a reason for turning gay, you're it."

Emmett beamed from ear-to-ear, clasping Charlie's hand in his and they skipped off into the woods. As they skipped joyously away, Emmett turned his head to Charlie.

"You do realise this'll mean Bella's both my step-daughter _and_ my sister-in law?"

Charlie looked at him, suddenly worried.

Emmett abruptly shrugged and continued skipping. "It's not like this family isn't already majorly screwed up, anyway. An old gay guy and a gay vampire isn't gonna make much of a difference."

Charlie stopped abruptly. "Vampire?"

Emmett looked sheepish.

* * *

_Well, this chapter gave me the creeps to write. But also major chuckles. _

_I hope it had the same effect on you. ;)_

_Raven. x_


	3. Tanya & Jacob

_Not In A Million Years_

_A/N: Right, well, here's the first non-slash pairing. Say hello to; Tanya/Jacob. Because we all know they were made for each other. Insert rolling of eyes here. :)_

* * *

_Tanya & Jacob (With a side of Sam. Even though he's a 'tard.)_

Bella and Jacob were arguing. Yet again. Surprise, surprise.

Bella was yelling at Jacob for his repeated attempts to woo her into submission and just, and I quote, "Go out with me already!".

However, our favourite—for which read, most hated—heroine was not giving up that easily. ("Get the hell out of my shiny, sparkly, lover-boy's mansion, Jacob!")

"Well, where do you propose I go, Bella?! Huh?!"

"_Alaska!" _Bella screeched.

"_Fine then!" _Jacob yelled, before realising what he had said as Bella gave a smug smile.

"Oh, damn."

~oOo~

Jacob phased back from his temporary spurt of wolfy-ness and once again became human. He had no idea where he was, all he knew was that he was in Alaska. He looked up, to see that he was conveniently placed at the bottom of a hill. On top of the hill was a large, imposing house.

And of course, Jacob started to go towards it. The house might have well had a neon sign floating above it, proclaiming, "Non-human brothel!"

Eventually, because Jacob walks _slow _compared to dear Eddiekins, he reached the house. He raised his hand to knock on the door when suddenly it was thrust open seductively—although how one can open a door in a seductive manner, I don't know—and in the doorway stood… a vampire.

Jacob shrieked—like a girl, may I add—and turned to run away from the house with all the wolfy speed he could muster, when the vampire reached out and grasped a tiny piece of Jacob's shirt, holding it between her thumb and index finger, looking wryly amused as Jacob tried—and failed—to escape from her incubus clutches.

Jacob turned as he saw his escape attempt was futile—(Ha, ha, ha, ha)—and came face-to-face with Tanya.

The blonde vampire eyed Jacob, before rolling her eyes and pulling him inside the broth—I mean, uh, _house._

She slammed the door behind her and advanced upon Jacob, trapping him with her eyes. I don't mean that ropes came flying out from her optical devices and tied him up, just that her eyes dazzled him, to quote a certain Bella Swan. Jacob stood, his mouth open in—dazzlement?—looking very much like a goldfish. Tanya approached him, swaying her hips in a very over-the-top manner, and closed his mouth with a single finger under his chin.

"What's your name?" she purred, because Tanya had suddenly turned into a cat. Not.

"J-J-Jacob," he stuttered quietly.

"Jacob," she repeated, circling him slowly. "Didn't I hear about you from dear Eddiekins? The little mutt after his human girlfriend's heart?" Tanya asked, because she has suddenly decided to completely ignore canon.

"Um, yeah. Pretty much." Jacob said. "Summed up a whole book in a sentence…." Jacob mumbled.

"What was that?" Tanya asked, because even though she has super-hearing, she conveniently missed Jacob's dogression. (Digression? Get it? DOG-ression… oh, never mind…)

"Nothing," said Jacob quickly.

"Good," snapped Tanya, before plastering on her smile again, and, tired of this flirtatious dance, pressed her cold lips to the back of Jacob's searing hot neck. Jacob suddenly froze, his eyes wide. He felt a shiver running down his spine at the contact. Tanya's lips moved in a circle around the back of his neck and up to his jaw line.

She smirked, whispering against his skin, "What your human's name?"

Jacob closed his eyes, stammering, "Um… Ella? Layla? Thumbelina? I—don't… oh, _oh…_!"

Tanya giggled, before her lips turned down in a full pout. "But, we couldn't do this. Not when you're still hung up on that… thing. Bella."

Jacob rolled his eyes, "Bella _who_?" he said, pulling Tanya to him and crushing her lips in a proper werewolf-style kiss.

Suddenly, Jacob heard a growl in his head. "_JACOB…. What the HELL are you doing?"_

_Oh, drat. Sam._

"Um… fulfilling my destiny?" Jacob squeaked.

"_Will it keep you out of my way?" _Sam asked in Jacob's head.

"Erm… yeah?"

"_Oh. In that case, go right ahead," _said Sam, who, thinking Jacob couldn't hear him anymore, started to chuckle evilly. _Haha, won't be able to steal my Alpha spot now, will he?_

Jacob mentally cleared his throat. _Uh, Sam? Get lost._

"_Will do," _muttered Sam, embarrassed.

"Now… where were we?" said Jacob.

He turned around, to see Tanya playing tonsil tennis with Edward Cullen.

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!" Jacob yelled, making a startled Tanya and Edward jump apart. Edward smirked wickedly at Jacob, who started to cry.

"NOT EDWARD FREAKIN' CULLEN! NOT _AGAIN!_"

* * *

_Hehe, couldn't resist that little jab at Jacob at the end there. Hope you liked ;)_

_Or were at least seriously creeped out, yet again. Teehee._

_Raven. x_


	4. Rosalie & Edward

_Not In A Million Years_

_A/N: Edward suddenly realises what he's been missing while messing around with that human 'tard Bella. *Evil cackle*. The Charlie/Emmett and Tanya/Jacob really freaked you guys out, huh? Haha. But you loved it anyway, because everyone who reads and writes this fic has a twisted mind. ;)_

_Anyway, more silliness now. :)_

* * *

**4. Edward & Rosalie**

Edward and Bella were lounging about in Edward's room. Because that's one of the few places they can go. No, seriously. They _can't _go anywhere besides; a field in the middle of the woods, Bella's room, Edward's room, Port Angeles (though that led to Bella being stalked and nearly raped so they don't go back there much) and, um, Biology class. How disgustingly innuendo-filled and cliché.

So, anyway, they were in Edward's bedroom, doing a variety of things: listening to music, angsting over their relationship, Bella trying — and failing miserably — to seduce Edward and listening to Clair de Lune, sprinkled with a little amateur canoodling every now and again.

Bella blushed. Again. For, like, the millionth time that day, and it probably wouldn't be the last.

"Edward, you know I like, totally love you more than anything, and totally can't live without you, and if you left I would totally kill myself? You know that, _riiiiiight_?"

"Uh, yeah," sighed Edward, rolling his eyes. "I think you've mentioned that before."

"Oh, good," Bella said, beaming and jumping into Edward's lap, snuggling up to his chest. "Just a reminder."

Bella captured Edward's eyes with her own unremarkable — though SMeyer's purple prose would lead us to believe otherwise — brown ones. The author can almost hear the theme of _The Omen_ playing in the background as Bella hissed, "So you'd better not ever leave me again."

Edward gulped. "No… no… I won't."

"Good," Bella growled. _The Omen_ theme abruptly stopped playing, and Bella smiled angelically. "Now, where were we?"

* * *

Across the hall in her bedroom, Rosalie looked at herself in the mirror. Again. For, like, the millionth time that day, and it probably wouldn't be the last.

Why do all these Cullen kids have such obvious stereotypes? Insert weary sigh here.

Anyway, once Rosalie was finished preening, she opened the door to the hall. To go get some smooches from her big hunk of a husband or flatten some random girl's non-existent self-esteem or something as equally bitchy and sickening as that.

She was imagining aforementioned self-esteem crushing, and smirked at the thought. Because her limited number of brain cells were otherwise occupied, Rosalie didn't notice Edward's bedroom door opening, and she walked right into it. Or should I say, _through_ it.

"Rosalie!" Edward snapped. "You like, totally broke my door!"

"Edward, stop being such a Valley Guy," Rosalie retorted.

"Touché," Edward said, because he has finally decided to revert to his usual witty, verbose, canonical self.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Has your disgusting human gone home yet?"

Edward glared at her. "No. She hasn't."

Rosalie noticed — as did everyone else with two brain cells to rub together — that Edward did not bother to correct her use of the phrase 'disgusting human'.

"Hmm... relationship on the rocks, Eddiekins?" Rosalie smirked wickedly.

Edward growled at the use of the nickname. Though I don't know why. I personally find it rather endearing, but, ah, such is life.

"Oh, Edward...!" Bella called from inside the bedroom in a whiny sing-song voice which grated on Rosalie's ears, and she grimaced. She was surprised when Edward, instead of immediately heeding to his Juliet's call in that sickeningly puppyish way he usually did, looked a little panicked. His eyes widened, and in the split-second before he disappeared back into the room, he shot Rosalie a look.

It clearly said; _Please, for the love of God and pineapple slices, help me. _

Rosalie laughed vindictively as she headed down the stairs.

A few hours later, Edward and Bella emerged from Edward's bedroom. Edward stood, unblinking, a look of faint shock on his face, which was paler than usual — if that was possible. But apparently, it is, so don't you fret. Bella's face was flushed, and she winked coquettishly in Edward's direction, before departing. Rosalie heard the awful chug of her Red Rustbucket — as she had dubbed it, and wandered over to where Edward was still standing, completely paralysed.

Rosalie nudged Edward's shoulder, pushing him forwards as she met no resistance. It seemed to shock him back to reality, and he looked, wide-eyed, at Rosalie.

"What _happened_ to you?" Rosalie asked, a wry smile on her lips.

Edward whimpered. "I don't want to talk about it," he whispered in a voice that suggested he had seen something that would require numerous therapy sessions.

Rosalie nodded. "Okay."

She turned to saunter off, but Edward put a hand on her shoulder. "I lied."

Rosalie rose (Get it? Rosalie _rose... _Oh, never mind...) an eyebrow. "Right then... what happened?"

"Oh, Rosalie... it was horrible," Edward whispered, veering severely off canon again and burying his head in Rosalie's neck, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Rosalie was startled into reciprocating the action. She felt Edward clasp his hands tighter around her, and realised whatever he had seen _must _have been terrible, because he was shaking. "What did she _do_, Edward?"

Edward whispered one word so quietly, Rosalie wasn't sure she heard him right, and so she repeated it. "Striptease?"

"Shh!" Edward said, sharply, raising a finger to her lips and looking around wildly for witnesses. "We never speak of this again," he said huskily.

Rosalie looked faintly disgusted. _That_ was some imagery she could have done without.

She realised with a start that Edward's finger was still on her lips. He was looking at her with smouldering intensity — there, we're back to canon — and Rosalie realised what Bella had been muttering about all that time. Dazzling. She found herself getting lost in the depths of those golden pools, pulling her closer, and closer, until his lips touched hers — and oh, no, canon has once more been speared and fed to ravenous vampires — and she felt a fire burn where their lips met.

Edward pulled back — oh, just screw canon altogether — and smiled his amazing, yet extraordinarily clichéd and overused crooked smile.

"Rose," he whispered huskily, and Rosalie swooned. "I think I was wrong about you."

Rosalie couldn't speak, she feared she would stutter. Even though vampires are always _perfectly _well-spoken. Insert vicious, jealous eyeroll here.

"So do I," she whispered, miraculously without a stutter as Edward's eyes intensified, until they almost burned a hole in her skin. (Cue montage of RPattz's intense close-ups — of which there is _no _shortage at all, considering they take up about four-fifths of the entire film — and method acting, all overlaid with overly dramatic music.)

Edward leaned closer, overpowering Rosalie with his musky, vamp-man scent, and kissed her with a fervent, feverish passion, like something straight out of a Mills and Boon novel.

"Rosalie... I think I'm in love with you," Edward said, sounding faintly surprised.

"Well, that's all very well, Eddie, but in case you haven't noticed, I have a mate already. Tough luck, kid," Rosalie said, with a certain amount of reluctance.

"Oh, I don't mind," said Emmett airily, who had actually been sitting on the couch the whole time, doing something completely OOC like reading a book.

"You _don't_?!" Rosalie and Edward cried in unison, their eyebrows shooting up into their respective hairlines.

"Nope," Emmett popped the 'p', flipping a page of his book.

"Uh... why not?" Rosalie asked, exchanging a bewildered look with Edward.

Emmett closed his book, flung it onto the seat beside him, and fixed Rosalie and Edward with a stare.

"Because I'm gay. Duh. Unobservant, much?"

With that, Emmett picked up his handbag, flung his dyed pink mink jacket over his shoulders and flounced out of the Cullens' house. Probably on his way to Charlie's. The author cackles evilly, and the fangirls all die of shock. The author proceeds to poke the fangirls' limp corpses with a stick.

Rosalie and Edward exchanged looks of total, utter, paralysing shock.

"Well," Edward said, eyes still wide. "I have to admit, I did _not _see that coming."

"I did!" Alice called down the stairs. Rosalie glowered up towards the landing. "Well, thanks for sharing!" she yelled, sarcastically.

Rosalie felt a finger under her chin, drawing her gaze back to Edward, who was looking at her with love in his topaz eyes. "Now... where were we?" he whispered seductively.

"I was about to revoke your Virgin's Club membership card," Rosalie whispered, giggling.

Suddenly, the Cullens' doorbell rang, and the door flung open. Bella stood there, looking on with shock and anger at the scene before her. Edward whimpered, "Rosalie, hide me," before ducking behind her.

Rosalie turned the full force of her Ultimate Bitch Gaze onto Bella, who glowered right back, though of course she wasn't nearly as terrifying. "Give me a second, Ed," Rosalie hissed.

"Uh, no problem... I'll be... um, upstairs," Edward muttered, before scampering away up the stairs to hide.

Two minutes later, Rosalie was standing in the foyer with a triumphant smile on her face. The fangirls were looking on with horror at Bella's drained corpse. Edward called down, "Is it safe to come down?"

"Yuh-huh," Rosalie smirked.

Edward looked at Bella, then back to Rosalie, a hopeful grin on his face. "No more stripteases?"

Rosalie shook her head, "Not quite. No more _inexperienced _stripteases."

Edward rose an eyebrow and Rosalie winked seductively, grabbing hold of Edward's hand and pulling him upstairs.

Edward grinned, and whispered, "Score."

* * *

_A/N: Yeahhhh. :) Uh, review? Please? :D_

_Raven. x_


	5. Aro & Jessica

_Not In A Million Years_

A/N: Now for a creepalicious couple who weren't actually on my list, surprisingly enough, but it was suggested by the lovely **-HVW Girl- **a while back, so Sivan, this chapter is for you. :)

Oh, and I don't own _Twilight_. Or _Troy_. Or _Angel. _Or _The Chronicles of Narnia_, for that matter, just while I'm at it. Or any of the other wonderfully obscure references in this chapter. :)

* * *

**5. Aro & Jessica**

Now, the last time we left the Volturi alone, (which to be honest, is a dangerous thing to do at the best of times) they decided that they wanted to wage war on our beloved Cullens, for the sole reason that Bella and Edward decided to procreate. Which clearly, is a shocking notion. Actually, maybe we were on the wrong side. I mean, after all, vampires having children; not the best idea in the world. Didn't go so well for Angel, after all. (In case you didn't know, Angel is a vampire. Who had a kid. Who then got kidnapped and came back once he was conveniently all grown-up into an angst-filled teen and tried to kill his father, even though Angel is the hero and ergo invincible. So, clearly, bad idea.)

Anyway, we all know how the it-almost-was-and-then-it-wasn't-a-fight went, but in case you don't...

Cue epic _Troy_ montage, with Garrett as Achilles, and Aro as Hector.

* * *

_Garrett: Rawr. Thou killed my cousin, so now I must kill thee. Rawr. Isn't my hair so lovely and long and sandy? Don't you just want to run your hands through it? Rawr. Don't I remind you of Brad Pitt... maybe it's just the lighting. Rawr. No, there's a definite resemblance... it's the hair. Yup, the hair. Rawr. _

_Aro: Meep. Alas, I must fight thee, even though you're on the outside of a giant, impenetrable wall, and I'm ... completely and utterly safe on the other side. Wtf? Oh, well... Meep. Don't I remind you of Eric Bana? No? What, am I not good looking enough or something? Meep. What's that you fangirls say? Old... ancient... musty... Meep. Hey, don't be harsh. Eric Bana isn't old. Oh, is it time to fight now? Meep._

_[Epic sword-fight sequence commences.]_

_Aro: Is dead._

_Garrett: Is awesome. (And cute.)_

_Wall: Is still impenetrable._

* * *

Okay, so maybe it didn't go _quite _like that. Maybe that was just a dream I had. Or blatant copying from _Troy. _

But wouldn't that have been just fantastic?

Either way, something happened and then Aro pouted, because he had been severely pwned. Then the Cullens had a victory party. A figurative victory party. In their minds. Carlisle's mind-party had cheese puffs. Edward's had pineapple slices. Bella's had air. (And now that the author has paid off jokes from previous chapters...)

After being spectacularly owned by a minor character - as we all know, nothing can hope to defeat the awesome, undefeatable speech power of Garrett - Aro turned and swept away impressively. Because even though he had just been the victim of an almost-but-not-quite-epic-enough smackdown, he was still The Head Leader Of The Volturi. Which apparently means something in _Twilight_land. So he still has his pride. Shattered, bruised and thoroughly trampled on by wild ostriches though it may be.

"We shall depart," Aro flounced, because his characterisation in the novels has made it _incredibly _easy to believe he's gay. But for the purposes of this chapter, he shall remain firmly buried in the closet. _Way_ down in there. Behind Narnia, even.

"Yes, m'lud," said Caius, who has decided to become an English butler for some reason. He rose his arm and gestured to the Volterra guard in a complicated secret hand manoeuvre that meant, _We pwned. We retreat in shame now._ All the vampiric inhabitants of Volterra—Volterrians?—dutifully bowed their heads in shame and defeat and began to walk back from whence they came. Yup, they _walked_ all the way to America. From Italy. Across a few oceans. Because that's just how they roll.

They had been walking through the woods for a while, in their morose state, and Aro, being slightly miffed and therefore a lot less fabulous than usual, didn't notice that they were going in the wrong direction, and were instead headed towards Port Angeles, instead of... um, the general direction of Italy.

Renata, Aro's shield-and-possible-lover, cleared her throat, which made a very weird sound since there was nothing in her throat _to _clear, due to a slight case of vampirism.

"What is it, Renata?" Aro asked, looking bored.

"The rest of the guard murmurs, Master. They say we are not heading in the correct direction," Renata whispered.

Aro frowned, looking around. Before he had time to speak and declare a new direction, he heard a curious sound. The rest of the guard heard it too, and all heads whipped to the side instantly, like a creepy, synchronised, undead dance troupe.

It sounded like... a human. A girl's voice.

With his fabulous hearing, Aro managed to distinguish the words. A one-sided conversation.

"Yah, Lauren. No, I'm like, totally lost. Well, I was in Port Angeles, like, shopping or something equally shallow, and I must have been like, so totally distracted by like, something shiny or like, something expensive, and now I'm in a forest. With, like, trees. It's kinda gross."

Aro heard the electronic murmurings of a reply on the other end.

"I know! Like, totally."

Jessica looked up, and saw a horde of vampire guards.

"Uh, Lauren? Is this like, a dream? Are you like, a dream Lauren? 'Cause if you are, then I so hate you because you totally didn't tell me."

More (indignant) electronic muttering.

"Yah, well, there's like, a bunch of hot people in my dream."

Aro's eyes narrowed. "Child, what are you doing?"

Jessica glared, "Dude, that is totally _not _cool. Can't you see I'm like, on the phone?"

"Impertinent wench!" Caius frowned.

"Hold on for like, a sec, 'Ren." Jessica turned to look at Caius.

"Dude, what is your _damage_?"

Caius's eyes narrowed dangerously, and Aro looked faintly amused.

Caius hissed.

Jessica rolled her eyes. "Uh my gawd, like, totally bite me."

She turned back to her phone conversation. "So, yuh, like, Lauren, I like, totally forgot what I was talking about..."

Aro looked a little excited. Caius noticed, and graciously stepped back.

"Do you wish to bite her, m'lud?" Caius asked.

Aro's eyes gleamed, and he nodded, sinking his teeth into Jessica's neck; a image that was both disgusting and yet strangely sexual. Well, it would have to be, wouldn't it? Stephenie Meyer wouldn't have sold any books otherwise.

Jessica's eyes closed, her eyelashes fluttering distractingly as her cellphone fell to the forest floor with a dramatic thud. [Close up of cellphone as a scream is heard.] _"Jessica? Jessica?! OH MY GAWD JESSICA!!!" _

Dramatic music, _aaaaaand,_ cut to black_._

* * *

[Pause for commercial break.]

* * *

"_Ahhhh!!!!"_

And suddenly, Jessica was on fire. Unfortunately, not literally.

[Super special awesome super sexy three-day transformation sequence, go!]

Now, this is the part where I get all _Give Yourself Goosebumps_ on you. Anyone remember that series? Ugh. Anyway... for those of you who didn't read the _Goosebumps _series as a child (shame on you), basically, you get to pick your own adjectives! Don't worry, all of them are equally as sickeningly Mary-Sueish as the next.

Jessica's eyes opened, her now thicker/longer/shinier/voluptuous/noir eyelashes fluttering open to reveal her gleaming/sparkling/sequin-y/crimson/bloody/scarlet/ruby/glowing red eyes/orbs/jewels. Her beautiful/glistening/shiny/voluminous/sunshine-coloured/glowing/liquid golden locks flew out behind her, catching the rays of the sun. She smiled, her cherry-coloured/scarlet/plump/sexy/ruby lips turning up at the corners, contrasted with her now alabaster/porcelain/flawless/effervescent/ghostly/glowing/creamy complexion.

Aro's eyes popped out of his skull. As would anyone's, when confronted with _that _barrage of Mary-Sue power.

"MOOT POINT!" Renata shrieked, as Stephenie Meyer tried in vain to regain control of her story through her characters. It didn't work.

Jessica was now a stunning/beautiful/gorgeous/modelesque/statuesque-and-every-other-kind-of-esque-you-can-think-of ... vampire.

* * *

_Stephenie Meyer: *facepalm* Why? Why would you do this?_

_Achilles (Uh, I mean Garrett): It's okay, Stephenie. *Pats sheepishly.*_

_Author: *Evil laugh.* Now, Garrett... Achilles... Brad Pitt... whatever your name is... back to the story. *Points.*_

* * *

Aro smiled, and stretched his hand out to Jessica. "You will be my bride."

His eyes were captivated by the newborn vampiress.

Caius frowned, and stage-whispered, "Aro, you already have a--"

Aro smacked him upside the head.

"Right, then, never mind," Caius mumbled, rubbing the back of his head and pouting.

Jessica took Aro's hand, eyes wide.

"How do you feel, my dear?" Aro said in a voice that was one part silk, one part velvet, one part gravel and one part stalker.

"I feel... fantastic!" Jessica said, astounded by her newly symphonic voice which has conveniently, in the super special awesome transformation process, lost its annoying Valley Girl edge.

"Did the transformation not pain you?" asked Marcus, who looked vaguely interested in something. For once in his life. "It usually takes a little while for the searing agony to fade."

"No, dear, of course not," laughed Jessica, petting Marcus' hand fondly. "Have you never had a bikini wax? Now _that _smarts."

Marcus looked faintly disgusted. Aro laughed joyously, taking her hands and kissing them. Jessica giggled.

She now had both the looks of Rosalie, and the viper-esque personality of the old Jessica, times a million. It's a new super-breed. Let's call her Rossica; soon to be leader of the free world. Well, the superficial free world anyway.

"Let us depart! Again!" Aro announced, his fabulousness returning on top form. Jessica looked on fondly at her new fiancé's flamboyant machinations. Of course, she wasn't being quite that articulate. It was more: _Shiny, rich, quite possibly gay man make Jessica a happy girl. _

Renata glared. How dare this random newborn come and steal her place in her master's affections?

Jessica noticed Renata's glare and returned it with her own. Only, because Jessica was a newborn, everything about her was much more fabulous than a regular vampire. Including her glare. Renata shrank away, but Jessica's newborn ferocity could not be contained.

Jessica advanced, and gave Renata the smackdown of her unlife, utilising some pretty epic wrestling moves that she may or may have not picked up from watching _Troy _with Lauren a few days ago and cooing over Brad Pitt. She smirked, and brushed imaginary dust from her hands, her stiletto heel resting on Renata's head.

Aro rose an eyebrow at the altercation, and shrugged, holding his arms out. Jessica smiled, stepping fluidly off Renata's thoroughly-pwned face and into Aro's waiting arms.

Gazing lovingly into her eyes, Aro forgot his surroundings. He was swimming in the molten lava of her eyes... floating away on the soul beneath them...

Caius coughed.

Aro frowned. "What, Caius?" he snapped, irritated at being interrupted from his soul-eye-lava-love-bath thing.

"Uh, m'lud? What should we do now?"

"Go home, of course," Aro snapped. "I need to go back to Italy and sulk for a few hundred years over the fact that I was defeated by Edward and his band of vegetarian freaks."

"Oh. Right."

Aro started to walk forward, giving the elaborate hand gesture to his guard to proceed, when he was stopped by a delicate hand on his shoulder.

"Wait... you mean, Edward _Cullen_?"

"Yes, my dear," said Aro.

"Hold on a sec... Edward frickin' Cullen is a _vampire_?!"

Aro nodded, looking a little nervous, anticipting a patent newborn explosion of rage and epic wrestling.

Jessica simply rose an eyebrow. "Huh. Figures."

Aro looked confused and was about to voice his puzzlement when Jessica continued; "Well, _clearly_ that was why he refused _me_. Because I was human, and all squishy and breakable and delicious and _awwww!_"

Jessica made a squeal that was most definitely inhuman. "That's _so _sweet! He just wanted to keep me out of danger...!"

Jessica skipped forward, clapping her hands, beaming and swooning all the way back to Volterra.

Aro smiled patiently.

He didn't bother to remind her about Bella. Or Bella's _equally_ squishy and delicious status at the time.

Ever.

* * *

A/N: Well, this is the longest chapter yet, and possibly the weirdest. But I think it my be my favourite.

If anyone got the reference to _Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series_ (which I also don't own), then have a virtual cookie. :)

And... Garrett pwns. ;)

Review? :)

Much love, Raven. xxx


	6. Bella & Jasper

**Not In A Million Years**

**Chapter Six: Bella/Jasper  
**

**A/N: **Right, well. ... (Drum roll please) ... _I'm baaaaaaaaaack_! Okay, maybe not very impressive. But I am. So, hi there.

Anyway, I know that there are people out there who actually ship this pairing in somewhat of a serious manner, but let's face it, it _is _pretty ridiculous and would never happen in the books (not least because of Alice). Therefore, it qualifies for this story. If you _do _ship Jasper/Bella, then take this as it is intended; the absolute _worst _case scenario of these two. If you don't ship them, take this as a complete and utter sporking of Bella. 'Cause I do actually like Jasper somewhat. :)

* * *

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASPER!" Alice shrieked.

"... Yes?" Jasper answered his wife quietly.

"Oh, I didn't see you there," Alice waved her arms impatiently.

"Alice, I've been standing here for three hours," Jasper pointed out, still quietly. (Jasper's a quiet guy, okay? Jeez.)

"Really? I hadn't noticed. I guess you just always seem to be there, by my side, sticking around, kind of like a barnacle really... or maybe it's just a complete and utter lack of effort on the author's part to give you and I any semblance of separate lives," Alice mused, shrugging her shoulders. (Gracefully, of course, she's not a _slob_.)

Jasper considered this. "Maybe she was just trying to create a sense of co-dependency between us to show how in love we are and how much I need you to stay in control of myself."

"Honey, there's co-dependency and then there's just being plain _clingy_," Alice rose an eyebrow.

Jasper frowned. "Maybe you're right. I could go... do something. On... my own." The words seemed to confuse him as he spoke them, as though he were speaking a different language and wondering whether or not it was coming out right.

"You do that, sweetie," Alice smiled. "I'm just going to keep doing something completely in character, like annoying people or shopping. Don't worry about me. I'll just be here, totally in character, until you get back."

Jasper did not move. Alice's sweet smile soon turned upside down.

"You aren't going, Jasper."

"I'm aware," Jasper said evenly, grunting lowly as though in pain.

"You still aren't going, Jasper."

"I know, Alice."

A minute passed.

"Jasper, you're still here."

"I _know_, Alice."

"... Okay. Just checking."

* * *

A couple of days later, and Bella was visiting the Cullens' house, as she tended to do whenever the author couldn't be bothered writing Charlie, obnoxious school children or Jacob (which, honestly, I can't really blame her for).

Unfortunately, since Bella tends to end up there unannounced without so much as a setup or decent plausibility as to why exactly she seems to basically live there without her father's knowledge, Edward wasn't in. Shocking, I know.

He was off doing something else, something _other _than sitting around on his behind all day waiting for Bella to spontaneously turn up. But don't worry, whatever it is, I'm sure it's completely in character.

(i.e. whining and angsting in a corner about the state of his unlife, or going hunting for some tasty mountain lion, or smiling crookedly at some trees, and the ground, and just about everything else he passes. Or sparkling. He could be sparkling.)

Either way, Bella was alone. All by herself. In an enclosed space full of ravenous, preternaturally strong vampires who thirst for people's blood. Which she has many delicious pints of.

I see the problem here.

You, I'm sure, see the problem here.

Stephenie Meyer, apparently, does _not _see the problem here.

Bella sighed, already feeling the awful, grating loss of her beloved Eddiekins, and sat counting the seconds until he would return to give her character some semblance of a personality. She did not seem to spot the aforementioned problem either, and instead felt somewhat relaxed. In fact, she felt so relaxed that she could just drift off to sleep... inthemiddleoftheday... sleepy sleep time...

* * *

"Jasper," Alice said sternly. "This is very important." She spoke slowly and deliberately.

"Alice, I'm not a toddler. I understand the words coming out of your mouth."

"Okay, then stay here." Alice smiled widely, her voice returning to normal.

"W-what?" Jasper's eyes widened, and his tone was somewhat squeaky, as though she had just asked him to rip off his arm and eat it.

Alice sighed, rolling her eyes. "You. Stay. Here."

Jasper frowned. Alice pointed at herself, and then the door. "I. Go. You... _staaaaaaay_."

Before Jasper could open his mouth, Alice had darted out of the door, calling, "See you later, Jazz!"

Jasper realised he had no idea where Alice was heading, and alas could not follow. But since the author didn't seem to be watching, he thought he'd be alright if he took his chances alone. (Although if he had utilised those brain cells of his, he probably could have deduced that since his wife was a vampire in this story, and more specifically, Alice, she could only either be shopping or hunting. But oh, well.)

Instead of merely ceasing to be until Alice returned, Jasper decided to take a wander around the house. As you do.

His powers, not to mention his nose, told him there was someone else in the house. Someone human. Someone called Bella. Well, his powers didn't tell him that bit, but it was a fairly reasonable conclusion to reach.

All other humans actually _had _a brain, and hence stayed the frilly heck away from their house.

Jasper realised he had never actually been alone in the house with Bella before. He didn't bother to think that there was probably a good reason for this. (I mean, come on, even when there was a whole host of other vampires there, he'd tried to suck her blood anyway.)

He stepped into the living room, and there Bella was, sleeping innocently on the sofa; all perfect and alabaster, her hair fanned perfectly out on the pillows as if arranged by an angel, emitting a delicate sigh with every other exhale, and her chest rising and falling steadily in an entirely sensual manner -

Or, she could be like ever other sleeping person and be curled up with her hair tangled up all over the place, her body twisted into a fairly unflattering position, emanating a loud, man-like snorting noise, with a line of drool drawn from her mouth and pooling into a small, wet patch on her sleeve.

Okay, we'll go with description number one.

Anyway, Jasper decided to step nearer in order to observe this phenomenon.

Which was when suddenly, Bella's Mary-Sue power slapped him in the face like a wet fish.

Oh, and so did her delicious scent. That too. Can't forget the scent.

At that moment, Bella suddenly discovered a sense of self-preservation and woke up.

"Jasper!" she said, startled.

"Uh, hi, Bella," Jasper said, awkwardly removing his mouth from her wrist.

"What are you doing?" she asked, stupidly. (I mean, honestly, what does it _look _like?)

"Nothin'," Jasper shuffled. (Well, I'm convinced.)

"Well, I'm convinced," said Bella, cheerily. She looked behind Jasper. "So, where's Alice?"

"We're not joined at the hip, you know!" Jasper said vehemently.

"Could've fooled me," Bella mumbled.

Jasper narrowed his eyes. "Well, she's not here, and I'm pretty hungry."

"Go out on a hunt, then," Bella reasoned.

Jasper looked shifty. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"... I don't know how," he admitted quietly.

Bella frowned. "What do you mean? You're a vampire."

"Alice always takes me out to hunt. Besides, I've tried. Apparently, I can't think for myself without her. I wouldn't know where to start."

"Oh," Bella said, a little pointlessly. She looked up at Jasper, who was avoiding her gaze and shifting his foot around nervously.

"Are you... okay, Jasper?" she asked.

"I... it's just, I never realised before. I mean, I probably should have considered how much Edward goes on about it, but I didn't."

"Realise what?"

"How... beautiful you are."

Predictably, Bella was swept up with a huge blush from head to toe. Immediately, she was in Jasper's arms. She took the time to notice how firm and strong they were around her fragile waist, when really she should have been focusing on the fact that Jasper's mouth was lowering to her neck, his teeth bared and his eyes flashing with hunger.

"I want you, Bella," he growled.

"Well, you can't have me," Bella said in a chastising manner.

"Why not?" Jasper sulked.

"Because, you can't." Bella's expression was stern.

"But... why?" Jasper was whining now. And yet, because he's a vampire in _Twilight_, it's still really attractive.

Bella looked into Jasper's perfect eyes, and couldn't remember why not anymore. She was so close to his skin that the vampiric pheromones began to draw her in and cloud her mind. (See, it's not just an Edward thing.)

"I dunno," she mumbled incoherently. But Jasper heard alright. Because, he's just awesome like that.

"Great," he grinned, and lowered his teeth to her neck once more to take her in a very romantic yet also fatal and somewhat icky manner.

"Wait!" Bella shrieked suddenly. "Shouldn't there be some incredibly cheesy, romantic dialogue about a lamb and a lion or eternal love or something here?"

Jasper narrowed his eyes, unmoving. "That's more Edward's territory. In case you haven't noticed, he's about sixty five million times more camp than I am."

"Couldn't you at least try?" Bella squeaked.

"Oh, I _suppose_," Jasper sighed heavily. "Erm... you're a lamb. I'll be a lion. Lunchtime?"

And before Bella could even open her mouth to tell Jasper what a closet Shakespeare he was, said vampire had sunk his teeth into her neck and started munching.

After he had finished, he wiped his mouth (he's not a _complete _murdering beast, he does have some manners) and happened to glance at the clock on the wall; it was seven p.m.

"I guess it wasn't actually lunchtime. Oh, well," Jasper shrugged. "Semantics."

* * *

**A/N: **And if you're wondering what happened after, well, Jasper ceased to exist until Alice got back home. And then they both ceased to exist until canon required them again. Which it didn't, because Bella is dead. :)

And that's the end of _that _chapter.

Ooh, special Jasper-sucks-Bella's-blood cookies for those lovely people who review. :)

Raven. x


End file.
